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| I like it outside.
GREEN is my favorite color.
and its all over everything.
oooooooo yeah.
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| i have.. i guess what you would call my first legit paying photo gig a week from today. i am extremely grateful for the opportunity to do something i love and get paid for it, but am also very nervous feeling quite inadequate with my skills.
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| My mother always takes "I don't know." or "It doesn't matter." as a cop out answer, but that has been my answer to a lot of questions lately. Its surely a coping mechanism.. but there is comfort in thought that I don't KNOW. You don't KNOW... and who really does? Emotion and reason are always clashing together driving me insane.. I feel. I think. I question... what is right?... what is wrong? blah blah blah.
Life at this point is sort of cliche though. Twentysomething.. just trying to figure anything out. What is tangible? and what is intangible? Feasible?.. or not? what have you. Do I keep my head in the clouds?... or do I live in a cold and bland reality where I fear I'm doomed to grow up and be a lot of things I never wanted... and ideally.. where do I find the balance? I will find it one day. Trust me on that one.
So for now its.. just one day at a time. waiting for change to happen again and again.
I try to remember some of the things Thoreau says here:
The millions are awake enough for physical labour; but only one in a million is awake enough for effective intellectual exertion, only one in a hundred million to a poetic or divine life. To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake. How could I have looked him in the face? We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep. I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavour. It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.
I hope all the mental blocks that keep me in a tired state fade quickly.
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| ...is my job now. it rules. i hope i think it rules for a long time. the grafton landing floats on the river so that when it floods (as it often does) it doesn't get damaged. it houses boats. it feeds the boaters and people that like to just sit and watch the currents, seagulls, and eagles. and theres even a pool that floats in the river. don't ask me why. i guess the muddy Mississippi is definitely too dirty to swim in... and not quite safe.
i moved home. found this job. and its seasonal.. a short term obligation i can handle. so im saving up to get out.. but i'll do my best to soak every last bit of it in before i go. its hard to beat the summers here... and even though its not yet spring.. it feels like summer is just moments away. time seems to fly these days. i've got nothing to prove and noone to prove that nothing to, so it'll be time to move on soon. at least that's what i tell myself.
i'm gonna buy myself a late 23rd birthday present that i'm pretty excited about. new acoustic to replace my non-existent one. WORD. researching is always such a process though.. the perfect guitar at a perfect price. a miracle find is what i'm looking for. i hope it happens like a scene in a movie where theres a single spotlight illuminating it calling me to play it.. and then when its in my hands.. its just perfection.
formulating songs is turning out to be such a fruitful endeavor.
i like it. one down and future possibilities are endless.
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| please just smack me when i freak out.
everything always ends up ok.
right?
it does.
it is.
for now.
until i am tested.. again again again.
tomorrow. the next day. and the next.
but hey! the sun is shining and its 73 degrees and we're springing forward real quick.
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